I think I'm very sensitive about this whole friendship things. I don't know if I'm just too sensitive or my life here is just too hard. I admit I'm very much alone here. It's just too hard when the person you're close to once has slowly disappear from your life. It's my fault too. I've been thinking about this whole thing, my mistakes, her mistakes, and all fuggin' things.
Maybe we're just different. We have too much differences in our personality. She's outgoing and I'm not, she's very sociable and I'm an introvert, she's funny and I'm lame, even to the extent that I feel that she's very pretty and I'm not. The inferiority I feel since the first time we met sucks, and I sometimes keep comparing myself to her. But she made me feels very appreciated since then. And we get along so well. But things happened and changed everything. Nonetheless I'm fine with that and we're not quarreling, but the room feels so cold. And I've to go to people whom I feel comfortable with to study together, because maybe I'm the studying-kind of people. I once thought that that's why she doesn't feel comfortable with me. And the cat's issue, Si Buruk.
I begin to feel very lonely, 'cause I got no best friend here. People who can be with me everytime I need them and whom I can do the same to. However, I realised that nobody is like that. People have their own life. I begin to feel very much lonely, to the extent of thinking that people don't like me. People don't like things I love. I feel like being isolated, like one of my classmates. But then, it depends on me whether I want to be isolated or not. So I try hard to mingle with everyone, update my fb, letting myself out there, make friends from acquaintances, trying hard.
I failed it now and then. So I texted one of my very good friends. I told him everything. But not everything. He gave me great advice as a person who doesn't really care about having best friends. Actually, telling your problems won't really stop you from having mental breakdowns, so,.. I don't know. Because he's not here. He doesn't really know how I feel, what I feel, and how I'm keeping up with it. But I don't really want to burden him though.
Biologically, my PMS may have trigger my thought to sink in deeper than what I have expected. Basically, we, humans, have emotions which will be portrayed according to our hormone changes. But I try not to, and just bottle it up to avoid any breakdown. I've been doing it for almost a year because it really helps me to consciously focus on my life goals. So right now, perhaps it's time to let it all out. I've been experiencing horrible things throughout this whole year. I just can't wait to go home.
To be precise, I am a conscious person with low level of confidence. That's how I become a successful introvert. Of course I got problems before including this one, but I try very hard not to be swallowed by emotions. So I become a positive-thinker, very positive I almost become neutral. But sometimes you know, you just got to break things down before you can build them up again. Now, I really understand those weirdos out there who intentionally isolate themselves and vice versa. My classmates talked about one weird junior of ours, and her behaviours, even the things she buys frequently at the supermart. It's really not necessary to talk about unnecessary things like that. And that is so not suitable to even become an issue. I realised that once you don't like someone, you will hate everything she does. For me, it's unnecessary to even think of other's weaknesses so it's better to start focusing on yourselves.
My problems are much worser than what people can think of. So let alone thinking of publicly announcing them here. So I'm trying hard, to focus on something else, just to forget them for a while. But it's hard. It's just too much.
*sigh*
By the way, thanks ish for sending me to the clinic. That's very kind of you :)
