Today is not really a fine day. I don't know if it's just me or my insecurity, but everything seems to fall back to their place again. Do they hate me? Does my presence bother their feelings and somehow make them squeamish? I am a simple person. If it's beginning to feel like this, then I'm doomed. I hate to feel like this, but everything pointed at one real thing: they don't favour my presence.
Why can't I be anyone's comfortable person? What is it in me that they hate? And most importantly, why in the brim of 2016 and when I'm already 20, I'm still feeling like a 16, still filled with insecurities? Do I have to fake myself? Why in the hell I still depend on others' opinion?
Gosh I hate myself.
To be honest, I don't have friends. Like, real friends. Just because I have trust issues. Because I don't really tolerate others. It's hard for me to bring people into my life. So, I deserved to be hated. Yet, I'm still questioning why I'm feeling like this.
Sometimes, I look at people from afar and think about their thoughts on me. And the questions linger in my head, like, do they like me? Do they hate me? Do I look presentable now? I hope I don't look hateful.
It feels surreal when suddenly good things happen to me, because in a flash, they'll be gone and I have to face the music again. It's discouraging to feel this way.
Sometimes, little things disrupts my head a lot. For example, my friends invited me to jog with them and there I followed, happily, but suddenly tomorrow I saw them, the same group of friends, jogging at the field track. Nobody told me a thing about it. If you're in my shoes, won't you feel something like you're just one of the add-ons on the menu?
I usually beam with confidence lately, and I speak what I want people to know, not to please anyone. And it feels great, really. Like, you're not tied to the fear of being rejected by others or tired of shutting your own mouth. But today my confidence just crumbled. It was the little things that cramped into my mind, all those little things that made me feel like I'm one of the rejected kind of people in the society. All those little things I picked up while having confidence to face the world without a chain attached to my leg, all of it exploded today.
The path is so difficult, it's tearing my feet. I'm tired.
