It's Covid-19 era.

Hey. 

So a year passed after my previous post. I guess I do have a good reason not to go back home. Except that now I can't go back to Ayah and my siblings as well. It's been more than a year since I went back to Peninsular Malaysia. To home. 

And I miss my loved ones. Quarantine in Sarawak is expensive and I can't risk anyone I'd be in contact with later too. I miss my family.

untitled.

I'm sad. 

I'm depressed.

So, I live alone. Away from the cause of my sadness and depression. But it doesn't leave me, it doesn't stop because I love my mom. And there are consequences that I need to bear as a good daughter. Now holiday is approaching and I chose not to go back, so that I won't have to travel to two different places. But I haven't tell her yet. I don't have any good reasons to lie about. Or should I not lie at all?

"Mom, I'm not going back this holiday." 

"Why?" 

"I need to take a break from all of you." 

Really? Wow, that's bold. I'm not that rebellious yet. 

Sometimes, I wonder why God has not let me meet a good guy yet. Why? To let me settle my problem first? The thing is, my problem will never settle. Maybe I need a change in my life. 

There is a change in my life recently. I started working at a new place. New environment, new breath of life. But I feel alone. I try not to, but I feel it. Even while working, I feel extremely alone. Very less supportive colleagues, and most of them being male. Very less people to refer to. No wonder everyone wanted to leave the school. But why don't they realise that they have the power to improve the working environment if they just play their own part? When everyone gives out their own effort, even just a bit, everything would get better. 

Life just gets harder for me, as I get older. 

I Don't Want A Sorrowful Life.

These days, tears just naturally stream down my eyes without me thinking of it. 

Degree Life Ended with First Class and A New Journey Starts

Yall, I made it. I can't believe I made it. I mean, it was so hard to get that. And now I'm already beginning my career as a teacher. Dude, that was fast. I mean, I feel like I can't breathe, I can't keep up with the pace well.


But the beginning is always hard. So, I'm just gonna be super positive about this and everything. Now what's left is my worries. My shortcomings. My lacking virtue as a good friend, I guess. Back when I was in school, we moved a lot, so I don't have any close friends. Even in Permata. I'm an introvert. I'm not that person who people would love to keep as friends. Anyway, I was fine with it, I was okay with it until now, when everyone begins their careers already and I, I feel like I'm losing my 5-year friends.


My family hasn't been doing well since forever, and I guess I just grew to love my girl friends much more. But you don't always get what you give. I kinda realised that they have their own preferred group of friends and we were just being friends for formality because we attended the same college in the same class for 5 years. I guess that's how they felt about it.


I guess, when there are so many people who love you, you unintentionally take them for granted. I have to pay to get those love. I managed to get through everything until today just to have a broken family, difficult decision-making in life, confusion,  and a broken heart. I'm not encouraging you to dwell on the past, we have to move on, but you can't definitely deny the effect those things got on you if we are ever in the same shoes.


I understand if they can't make time to meet me, they have families and friends to meet before the school opens. Being 24 next year, I kinda feel like my mind is slowly maturing. I know I'm sad about this but I don't tell people this. I just write those things here. It's not like you guys know me anyway. I feel a little secure, I guess.

My Degree Life Will Be Over Soon

Well, as stated, my degree life will be over soon. Like, really fast. It's amazing how I wasn't interested to even get into a relationship. It's not like I wasn't interested at all, I may be just didn't have enough interest in it. A weak interest, one could say. LOL.

Anyway, tell you what? I have a crush. Well, I'm giving up on him already. I'll just finish my degree life without telling him, so yeah. Goodbye, romanticism in life. I'll just find a better purpose to live afterwards, like pursuing a master degree, and continue further for the doctoral. I know, right? My life sounds so dull, but the thing is, as dull as my life has always been, and as dull as myself while I'm writing this, I am just dull.

Giving up on my crush that easily? Yes, I thought a lot about it even before my brain decided to have a crush on him, that we're poles apart. He's just far better than myself. And I know I'm not the one for him. Remember this? "Good people are for good people." I'm just not good enough for him.

That's why it's a crush. Because it'll never happen. It is never meant to be.

And as my degree life ends, the crush will end as well. Like how crushes are supposed to be.

It's 2019.

Hey guys, it's been super long since I have ever posted anything here. But it's 2019, and here I am, writing this post with a lot on my mind and in my heart.

Friends.

I don't know how you guys would define the term 'friend', but for me, it is nothing more than just those who are of different blood but have these invisible strings to my heart. There are ups and downs in relationships as friends. Most people would say that there are different levels of friends. Best friends, close friends, childhood friends, BFF, etc. That kind of opinion juxtaposed mine. I moved a lot, so I have a lot of friends but none of them are really close to me. We'd text a few times in a year to get in touch again, but that's it. They will just end up as friends. My current friends are the closest with me. I have been with them for almost 5 years now and they are very important to me. However, what do they really think of me?

Most of them have this similar public opinion on friends; which stresses on different levels of friendships. In contrast, I am a very individualised person. To be honest, I'm a person who categorise my tasks. There are a lot of tasks which I really prefer to do individually, rather than in groups. This is a big issue if we are living in a community. Most best friends would love to do their work in groups, but I always prefer to do it alone. I guess that's what distanced me from the people. I am never one's first choice when it comes to grouping. That saddens me, because sometimes, it is so obvious in the class that I'm not wanted. But, it's okay. It's life.

At times, I really hate myself for sensing insincerity in friendships because it is so noticeable. It is so noticeable that it makes me really sad. In laughters, words, involuntary actions. The older I get, the more silent I become. I guess it's better not to let it out. If I ever wanted to let them know then, what is it for? It's not like they're gonna be much more sincere than before. All I'm gonna add is just distance. So, I just accept it. Right now, I'm just sad because after I graduate, I'm gonna have less friends than today. Life is just that same cycle, I guess.

But, I am grateful for them. I am definitely not a good friend but they still friended me. That, itself, is a great blessing.

A Semester Went By

So a semester went by. I braced through the period with hardships, blood and tears. And friends. Are they? At least a few are.

I'm slowly regaining myself back. I'm focusing on myself too.

That guy, he just, I don't know. He disappeared. I mentioned on one post about him, he's like a sailing ship. He comes and goes. And takes a piece of me every time. But now, he just went away. He's not coming back, I guess. This Ramadhan, we're all on semester break, back at home, spending time with family. So I waited for him to start the usual conversation. But he didn't. He still doesn't start the conversation.

As much as I understand that men don't text you unless he's bored or he really likes you, I still don't understand him. As much as I can guess his intentions, I still don't know his real intention. I wanted to ask him but I don't have that guts. I'm scared of being scarred. Because as much as I'm denying it, I'm starting to care for him. So right now I'm not really sure if I'm falling onto a bed of roses or just a pit hole.

Relationship is risky. I have no idea of what he's thinking.

On the other hand, I faced problems in making friends. I don't trust them. Since I realised that they only need you when they need something, like companions, or help in finishing assignments. At least, there are a few I can trust.

sigh