Love, Live, Laugh

Does it worth taking the risk to love someone? Does it worth taking the risk to open yourself up to someone? I have not a slightest idea.

Recently, I realised that I have grown to be fond of a guy. A friend of mine. I've known him for 3 years already. He has been texting me, but only during long holidays. One day, I realised that guys don't really text people. Basically, they have no reason to text girls at all, unless they like that particular someone or they're just bored. It's eye-opening to me. Until now, every word he texts to me seems pointless. I can see that he actually tries to keep the conversation going, yet he's very kind and encouraging. And pious, I might add. In fact, all the while, virtually talking to him, I feel so small, you know, the feeling of undeserving.

However, it doesn't always stay the same. This holiday he texted me again, but he stopped replying a few days ago and left the conversation hanging. He left me thinking about what did I do wrong and whatever else.

Frankly speaking, I don't have any feeling towards him. Up until he stopped texting me. I mean, it's not like I developed some kind of invisible connection to him, but he got my feelings mixed up. At first, I got insecurities, and then mad at him, and then sad. For no reason at all. It makes me hate guys like that so much. My friends keep telling me that I have feelings for him, but no. I don't know, I can't describe it either way.

I learnt a lot in that period of time; that I need to stop letting myself hanging on some broken branches. That I need to stop hurting myself. That I need to realise about how I can make my own happiness. So I stopped thinking, talking, texting, or whatnot about him. Basically, I just forget him. It turns out to be super easy. Like eating a peanut, a Malay would say. I become happier. Because I live my life to the fullest. It was a healing time. I found the cure to it which is within myself. So, I embrace my life more now.

Amidst all the laughter, the story continues when he suddenly texts me again. And so, I just keep my distance to him with a certain limitations. As long as I can get a hold of myself, I can go through this one vicious cycle of a life. Well, I got stronger, you know.

Depression

I have depression.

I couldn't have think about what causes me to be very impulsive at my own feelings, I couldn't control myself. I was so clueless. So, I thought maybe I could search it up online. Read more and know more. I asked one of my acquaintances too. He told me to meet a psychiatrist, but I couldn't. I thought, if I take a step and meet that psychiatrist, will things get better? They only prescribed medicine to calm you down, but the thought don't just disappear. That's what I thought.

I reflected myself. I knew from the start what may have caused this, but I was in denial. I tried not to think about it, I tried talking to myself frequently, saying, "Everyone got problem, so just keep it to yourself. You can handle this, you can always do it. You're always happy, so you should always be happy. Why spoil the fun of others with your problem? It's your problem. Not theirs. Talking about this won't help." And so I supressed it all. I believed in myself. I know what's happening today will all be in my past tomorrow. I'm going to leave all the negativity and bring all the positivity forward on my journey.

I made it, though. I made it through these years. At least, that's what I thought.

These days, things are changing. I'm literally being impulsive towards myself, I cried and laughed at the same time, my head hurts a lot, I keep hearing things, I can't sleep at night, I'm not being myself. This isn't me. All those suppressed thought I kept for so long is coming back to me. Every time, for every freaking time people get angry or shout at me, I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle the thoughts which are brought by those yells and anger.

I'm at the point where I get so tired, my head hurts.

But I couldn't tell it to people. It's breaking me apart thinking that telling it to people doesn't work wonder. And it's taking people away from me. Well, nobody likes being with people who they really can't understand. My life could have been better if I'm everyone's darling. At least there are people who would help me get through this. But, everyone got their own life, their own problem. Nobody got time for this.